Even a mess can be good.
Before I tell my story, I would like to say two things. One, the woman who started this site is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, light shines wherever she goes and to have her be so candid about her experience is amazing. Love you!
Secondly, before you read the below, I just wanted to let you know, I swear. I love to swear, I promise I tried to minimize it, so if swearing offends you, please stop reading.
Also, this may be a mess, I’ve never blogged before, but a me mess so its’ all fucken good!
I’ve never really been prone to anxiety. I always thought, I got the physical end of that stick and well, the mental side, thank you, was not really my issue. See, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 14 and fuck was that a trip. Not only was I going through my teenage years, I also got sick with a life altering illness. To add on to that, my parents decided it was an appropriate time for them to tell me that my father was cheating on my mother with her best friend and they were getting a divorce. While I’m in the PICU dealing with my health, they decided to have a screaming match. Now how fun does that sound? All of this shit happened within the span of a month. Don’t need to go into all the details, it wasn’t pretty. I saw a therapist, which helped me to deal with it, but I can tell you, if I was anything at all, it was fucken pissed off. I held that anger with me for years. I would do things on purpose to get my way. Not a good look. I was a hot cannon, that could and would go off at any moment and was so used to being able to, it didn’t matter to me, what I said, how I said it or who I said it to. Boy am I fucken happy I got over that shit. If you’re wondering how, that’s for another time but it did include lots of reading, mediation, yoga, journaling, breath work, speaking my truth, music (honestly music is life), creativity, having amazing people in my corner and basically just wanting to be better and more in line with who I truly am. Honestly, it’s all still a process and it always will be, I want to continue growing to be the best version of myself. Somedays that will be a day full of crying and other days like yesterday will be a brief moment, where I feel an old piece of me slipping away and all I can do is smile. I will take the good, the bad and the ugly mess any day if it means, I’m growing and becoming more me.
Sorry, I digressed, back to anxiety, my first and to my knowledge only experience happened recently. Before New York City was put on pause, I decided on a Sunday, I would go to SOHO to pick up some skin care products. In a lot of the articles I had been reading, they kept mentioning that the coronavirus could be worse for people with diabetes and that they should be careful. Me being me, I still decided to go, a little freaked out but fuck it, I can handle this, even if I can’t see it. I get to the train station, I swipe my card and shit, I just missed the train. Ok so anyone who lives or has lived in NYC, knows that the trains on the weekend can be a pain in the ass. As I wait, I can feel myself starting to freak out, I pace, my chest tightens, I’m thinking oh shit what if I have the coronavirus?! I’m looking at all the people around me, why aren’t they freaking out?!! I’m scared that if I get it, it will not only make me sick, but it will fuck with my diabetes and I’m a pretty well controlled diabetic. Can’t have that shit happen! I walk up the stairs and say to myself if the train does not come in the next 2 mins, I’m leaving. I keep pacing and now, I’m starting to shvitz. At this point I say fuck it, I have to leave, these face oils aren’t worth this. I get outside, I’m calmer, still shvitzing and still feeling the pain and tightness in my chest. The cold air feels good on my skin. I walk to my apartment. I get home, I calm down, I sit, I breath.
My breath calms me (side note, breath work is amazing!). I vow to myself, as I have done since I was 14, to always listen to my body and to not let my ego decide. In that moment of anxiety, I had forgotten. My body knows, your body knows. Listen!